The Paradox

It's all coming together in a conundrum of fury.  The cosmic disposition that there is no greater good, there is no working to help one another in our society.  The fairness of it all is that nothing is fair and life doles out harsh realities all the time.  Our government, corporate entities and non-profits lie and say they support a healthier society.  The responsibility is at the bottom (individual) to make the best choices possible.  We each have a personal responsibility to do the right thing.

I can not tell a lie.  I have done a lot of wrong in my lifetime.  I have made mistakes.  I have broken promises to others and myself.  I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen... It's hard to admit your faults.  I admit this because I want it off my chest.  I have done wrong to those I love the most. Good intentions must be followed up with action to correct the wrongs we've done.  I have done that.  Despite having expressed remorse before for my actions, I went through it again this week to the two people in my life who have shown me the most love, my parents.  They are the ones who have bared the brunt of my horrible faults.  Unconditional love is a powerful thing.  I think my father shows the most of it.  He is a man of God, and he often says the wisest words.  My mom judges, but she judges against a list of character traits that she defines as moral and ethical, even when it can sometimes come across as harsh, she holds people to the highest standards.  And rightly so.

We should all live up to what we hold in the highest moral regard.  Our society doesn't respect or reward doing the right thing.  My true intention is to help as many people as possible live up to their greatest potential.  But I must start with myself.  I must release the grudges in my heart so they don't develop into ailments of the body and mind.

As I write this, I am dealing with a conflict.  Having standards and expectations from potential employers to act with integrity.  I received a job offer a week ago today.  That job offer came with full time, salaried and benefited employment.  It quickly turned to "part time to start" and then an offer of "hourly, at a significantly reduced rate."  While I was ready to concede on full time to part time to start, when the hourly offer rolled in, I had enough.  I had to put a stop to it.  I have a master's degree and I am less than a year shy of my license (maybe not now, it may take longer to get licensed given the employment ordeal right now.)

Our society has lowered standards, holds less regard for experience and education, has put quality as a lower priority than worth.  Overall, I must value myself as a clinician, as a human.  So, I turned down a job offer because it became less of an offer and more of an internship.  At 6 years out from a graduate degree, I should not be lowering my standards for sub-par circumstances of intention.  The energy I would put into my clients is going to be invested in myself right now.  I know I have a lot to offer.  I know I am capable of creating great things.  I have and will