Hearts & Hurts Don't Fade Away

#wlsrealizations You tell yourself it hasn't changed your relationships with people you love... but then you realize otherwise. :-( You lie to yourself and say this person is no longer in my life and that's good because of the hurt and pain we have caused each other, but that not knowing why.... that's more hurtful than anything.

It just dawned on me tonight, WLS may have contributed to the loss of a friend. No, this friend didn't die, this friend just went away. No response to my emails. No explanation as to why she deleted me and never calls anymore. This happened over a year ago. I emailed, no response. I let it go. It wasn't worth worrying about because this friend has "gone away" before.

This friend and I have been through a lot together. Quite literally, we have lost our shit together. We have been down weird, strange, awkward roads and lived bizarre realities, stranger times, once upon a time. We've grown up now. I told myself, lie #1, that we just grew apart and now that she has kids and I don't, she chose to leave my life. It hurt. I won't say I didn't cry, that would be lie #2. But I told myself it was for the best.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/02/18/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart/

You see, this person had surgery 3 months after me. Didn't want me to know about it. I found out about it. I was so happy for her. She chose more wisely, bravely than I did, had a different procedure. She chose something that was still investigational at the time. (I like to think it's because she way smarter than me in the scientific sense, but at the time, I think she just did better research. I look back and realize I was naive, and used poor logic in thinking that not cutting part of my stomach out was a good thing-- rather, squeezing it with silicone would be better--- little did I know the rejection my mind and body would go through.)  She's been more successful than me, since my band is out, I'm slowly regaining weight, and not without trying to keep it off. I'm proud of her success, but I hate that I can't tell her that.

I hate that my best friend is gone. For all the history and love I have for her, all the things that have passed that we did as stupid college kids, I know she's still one of those soul mates in my heart. That we can laugh and cry and goof off like old times if we just looked at each other and said, "I'm sorry."

Actually, whatever it was, "I'm so seriously sorry." If I likely said some asinine thing that made no sense, had no validity, was illogical, offensive or ignorant, whatever it was, I just want to say sorry and have her back in my life. I accepted the loss as likely something that was good. We got in trouble together. A lot. Like, who do you wake up next to you in jail kind of trouble... but that was once upon a time. We've grown out of that kind of behavior. I know I have. I'm pretty sure she has. I wish we could be grown up together.

This is probably one of the most personal posts you will ever see here. I didn't even cry writing it because I had accepted the unexplained confusion over a year ago. I just let it go... Or so I thought. Until something strange and rather ridiculous brought it back up out of the blue. It brought the blues back....

Putting it out there, saying it, I miss you like hell.

“There is one emotion that is stronger than fear, and that is forgiveness.”

The Tale of Despereaux